Oh nothing. Just me.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Ya Allah Nana. Stop telling yourself you're the only one who should be responsible for all these mess. Stop telling yourself it was all your fault.

Kau dah okey dah dulu sebenarnya Nana. You got through it all long ago. You did it! But it's just recently it all coming back to you now. Suddenly something came to you and made you remember the scars. Parut yang telah terluka kembali.

Ingat Allah, Nana. He loves you that is why HE sent you dugaan like this. I know when you are sad you don't really have anywhere to go. You shutdown yourself, you cry on your bed, cuddling your Dom yang understanding saja sebab when you start hugging him sambil cry dia duduk diam tak pernah nak lepaskan dari pelukan. Crying even when you're eating. Reading Quran to sooth yourself. When in doubt you turn random page of Quran to find answers. Yet you still cry. You still have burden inside you.

That is sick. You know that?

And next time you are too sad, instead of crying over things you cannot change, please turn again to anything you like as your last try. Your passion. Your business. Music. Singing. Dance. Travel. You're doing it now, but do it more. Do it until you forget! It's about you now. No one else. So think about yourself more than anyone because you're all you have! Please.

Sebab, sampai bila? Tell me. You have you secret no one knows. You hold your burden from many years ago until now. But it's your choice that it still can hurt you like this.

Do more. Try more. Get up!

Bali, 20 April 2016.

A stranger in me.

Reading random old posts from 2009 from my blog, wow I lost too many people in my life. I lost many things. I forgot everything about me. Who I am, what I like. What makes me truly happy, what I loath most. How I see life. How I see myself. I feel like these 3 years back I had my mind completely shutdown. Blanked.

No one will ever imagine what I've gone through. Banyak orang share dan viral tragedi yang terjadi pada orang lain dekat Facebook. This and that, here and there. They will never expect that had happen to me too.

Guess why would I tell you my mind blanked over these few years? Sometimes I think, was it me? Was it actually, really because of me?

I am damaged.
Damn damaged.

Well I don't have much choice. Broken I am. Messy I am. Lost I am. I feel a stranger in my own body? Yes, but. What the hell. I gotta love the stranger in me. Because if I don't, who will?