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Please don't give up!
Saturday, November 16, 2013 posted at 15:11 ♥


I sayang this phone *smile*


I always love Eiffel Tower by heart and anything that resembles it. From sketches, to the real pictures. From just miniatures, to the city of Paris where Eiffel beautifully stands. I see them, and I see my own tiny, fragile heart surrounded by fire. I see them and I see how big my dreams are.

Hai, kembali dengan imej berbeza lagi walaupun baru tukar design blog tidak lama dulu. Bhahah! Modify blog lagi sebab seronok buat benda ni. Macam biasa, white background. A touch of dusty pink (html code : #d58a94) here and there. This time I keep it less pinkish than my previous one. Reason? I get bored. Width keseluruhan lebih lebar (previous 800px), dan width post pun saya lebarkan juga (previous 600px) so saya boleh post bigger images since I already received my DSLR itu pun kalau rajin take picturelah. I am so malas nowadays. I remember those times on 2008-2010 when I blog everyday..

Anyway!!

Malu sebenarnya bila fikir saya tulis ini untuk orang baca. Malu sebab sebenarnya orang mana kisah. Let's just be honest. Bersosial secara online, kita hanya akan jumpa 3 jenis. #1, kawan-kawan baik yang benar-benar peduli. 2# Sebenarnya tidak peduli. 3# Terlebih peduli sampai tulis sikit dah macam-macam huraian ohsojudgemental dia. Tiga-tiga sentiasa lalu lalang. Bukan setakat dalam kehidupan sebenar saja, dalam social networks pun ada. Orang-orang dari real life dan muncul di social network berperangai 3# pun ada.

There. Dengan tidak semena-mena saya termembebel pula. Anggap saja ini saya tulis sambil bercakap dengan diri sendiri. Anggap ini diari bawah bantal yang terlihat tanpa sengaja :P



I am starting this with some changes on how am I going to blog.

1. Less rojak inggeris+melayu. I will just try - this usually will end up to be in a series of vain attempt. I tend to rojak things but it's not good as I should just be myself because - reality check! - I speak only Malay and cursing language, other than that, I'll just sink.

Actually kan, kalau fikir betul-betul, my diaries dari sekolah menengah lagi are full of rojak inggeris+melayu dan kata ganti diri 'aku'. Kerana saya dari dulu, sejak sekolah rendah lagi sangat-sangat suka menulis. Tulis tulis tulis. Lukis lukis lukis. At the end, I dah tak melukis dah but still tulis tulis tulis. I still remember, I developed into writing real diaries waktu sekolah menengah bila mula beli real diaries bermula di tingkatan 3. Sejak itu, tiap hari update diari. How time flies. I've been writing to myself for almost 13 years now. Dalam sekelip mata sahaja, dari sweet 15 ke sweet 26 dan 1st Disember ni masuk sweet 27 yang penting masih sweet dan still nampak macam awal 20-an thehehee. Dan menerusi bukti-bukti dari dalam diari lama dan currently blog, saya sememangnya bukan competent user of English. Dan terbukti dari dahulu kala lagi yang saya memang suka merojak-rojakkan bahasa. Kebiasaan yang perlu dikurangkan sebab keterlaluan I know.

2. Less 'saya', and bawa balik the usage of 'aku'. 3 years out if 13 years of using 'saya', rasanya cukup polite dah. Now, welcome to the real me.

Now that we bring out the subject, I tell you something. Menulis dalam diari, saya tak ada kawal-kawal gaya penulisan. Serius saya dalam diari suka menyumpah sampai puas hati T__T Sebab boleh tulis apa sahaja tak payah fikir dua kali dan tak payah tekan butang backspace. But that was years ago. Sejak start blog, sesuaikan diri dengan cara menulis yang baru, tersusun dan terjaga sedikit bahasanya. Dalam blog pula banyak barrier. Jaga ejaan, jaga paragraph, jaga alignment. Belum masuk soal jaga hati, jaga lidah, dan jaga trafik(?). Mungkin out there banyak jadikan blog untuk tujuan komersil, but I know exactly what brought me here and why I am still here. Reason is, I want to be able to say things I might not be able to say in my real life.

But lately I feel like I blog for nothing. Jika dulu saya rasa blog medium terdekat untuk mengenali saya, namun sekarang ini saya kira saya tidak kenal tulisan saya sendiri. Rasa asing sangat. Maybe if saya bawa balik gaya menulis yang saya rasa paling selesa, walaupun kasar sedikit, tapi paling penting ia datang dari hati kan. Entahlah. Mungkin sebenarnya bukan sebab cara menulis pun. Alasan semata-mata. Dah memang life kau begitu. Tak payah bagi alasan lame. Basi sangat. Heh.

What's behind, fikiran agak resah sekarang ni. When I'm changing something in my life, it means something is hurting me. I do this just an attempt to tell myself I AM brave and I WILL always be brave. An attempt to appear happier. Or wut eva (ejaan gedik dengan ekspresi). Kadang-kadang rasa macam nak turn back everything. Real life are hard. I like the idea of hibernating. Refusing to see things I do not want to see. Wake up after 5 years later when everything go right. But that's impossible. Even if my heart and my life are fragile, I still have to do this. I managed to do this so far so why can't now?


Didn't I have Eiffel in my heart? *smile*



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