I am the slave of my words and the owner of my silence.

August 24, 2011

It has been too long since I found myself on the Blogger Dashboard. I haven't told you I met someone last week, didn't I?

4 months since it happened. I bumped into the one who was responsible for this paranoia. Funny, he was so close before but now he's almost like he was a stranger - a familiar stranger. The difference is, an annoying familiar stranger that I find so hard to forgive. What do you expect? *blank stare* A smiling face from a girl he played for 3 months that ends around 4 months ago? It's easier to stay silent than to fake a smile, really.

Waktu tu Pasar Ramadhan di Pekan Ranau. Or we call it as Bazar. To buy something to please my stomach during iftar, at the same time, I promised someone to meet up there - Syam. No worries, not someone new. Dah lama rapat, since 4 months ago. The thing with me is, kalau lepas break dengan boyfriend (ohmy that sounds so remaja), saya jarang stay single for long. Always, there's always someone who will come through. As friend. Or more, itu kita tidak tahu. SO NO WORRIES.

Sambil tunggu Syam ataupun nama kampungnya G***m HAHA, saya ke gerai jual martabak tanpa pandang kiri kanan lagi. Sambil nak pesan tu, baru looked around, and there I saw someone right behind me staring at me. Blankly staring, it took me one or two second to finally recognize him - ah what should I call him, KADUT? Seems like he's almost a ghost I nearly manage to get rid.

It's not that I am afraid of him, but I saw Syam came around searching for me and since he didn't saw me, I came towards him. And whispered to him - HE'S HERE. Syam looked over him, and he replied, YES, WITH HIS WIFE.

Felt sick. Syam did saw my sudden changes. Saya ajak Syam pusing-pusing tengok makanan tempat lain. Dalam hati cuba untuk menenteramkan diri sendiri. Syam pun ikut saja. I guess he didn't know what else to say, since he saw my anxiety. Anxiety yang saya cuba sembunyikan sedaya upaya. Tried to speak like nothing happened, tried to laugh, tried smiling. Turned out sia-sia, lebih-lebih lagi when Syam told me - THEY'RE COMING. And yes, bila saya toleh, they were coming our way! WTF.

And awwww HOLDING HANDS with lovely wife? If you're really using your head, you know you don't have to. Showing off. Bikin menyampah. Saya cuba releks sambil tengok tempat lain. Oh since when that sate looking so annoying, serious saja muka saya tenung. The seller mesti dah pelik.

Lepas tu, ingatkan diorang akan lalu macam tu saja, tapi rupanya they stop in front of us. Syam yang tahu semua apa yang saya lalui sepanjang 4 bulan ini, told me again that they're actually heading to us! WTFun. Run? Hide? No. Why should I? *blank stare again*

Syam never leave me, from the start. Crying days and nights, he always make sure he's there to shelter me. I don't know why exactly, but I am glad he did. He have been so understanding, maybe because he experience the same thing too in his family.... Thanked him alot for the friendship he gave me when I need it the most. Through thick and thin. Lending ears, giving supports, sheltering me from fear, and making me realize I am more than I am when I feel like I wanna run and hide. Yeap, this is the thing that brought us closer. People can always guess and judge. But only we know the truth. If it is not because of him and Allah SWT (and my close friends and family, but mostly him and HIM), I might wouldn't recover this fast.

So I am glad, that time, he was the one who stand right beside me.

My ex stood right in front of me. And his wife stood right in front of Syam. I wasn't expecting that. I can't believe how ignorant he can be. How hati kering.

"Hai Awan." Awan means kawan. He greets Syam. Oh I hate how that sounds. And Syam did replied.


With all the strength Allah gave me and knowing that I would be okey with Syam beside me, I finally turned my head staring at him. But I can't promise I will not burst out with anger. But what ever it is, chin up!

"Amacam, OKEY?" He started a conversation with me.


Six ears waiting for my answer. Or wondering how my answer would be like. Staring directly to his eyes, but I didn't say a thing.

But. Oww.. Did he tried to make a conversation with me? Didn't he know anything more proper to say - like, APA KHABAR? 

I HATE the proud sound of his voice. I HATE the confidence he have walaupun dia tahu dia sedang berdepan dengan orang yang pernah dia sakiti hati dan hidupnya. My pride was hurting. I HATE those smile as though wanting to know how much I suffered from the loss as if my life was an easy victim for him. I HATE the thumbs up he showed me. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THUMBS UP FOR? I see him, and I saw how I hate the love I once love the most. As they say, 'mata adalah cermin hati'. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart. Tidak kira apa yang dia nampak melalui mata saya, but he surely had saw my disappointment. My anger. The loath.

I keep my mouth closed, nearly opened to say 'APA YANG OKEY??!' and maybe step forward and slap him by the face for being soooo rude (or was it just me??) - but I decided myself that I won't go any further. Looked at his wife, but she didn't look me back. Dia tengok tempat lain, but I am sure her both ears directly terarah pada saya. Poor woman. Why ikut your dear husband. And, bukankah you penasihat paling baik untuk that KADUT? It was you who told him 4 months ago - 'berani buat keputusan', kan? Thanks for that, if you didn't tell him that, then I would still be with him by today eww. Never mind, take him and do whatever, I simply don't care, CONGRATULATION and GOOD LUCK on your marriage. Advise him next time, NEVER TALK TO ME if ever we bumped together AGAIN or next time, I'll slap him right in front of everyone. I might forgive all the thing he'd done to my life, but if he continues being so ridiculously annoying like this, it would take much time longer. Sorry for that. Your husband tu selfishhhhhh. And he thinks like he's always right. Too bad he found me.

Still not saying anything, and they left.

Waktu dah nak balik lepas beli-beli, ..
"Okey juga ka?" Syam asked me attentively.
"Tidak okey." Honestly answering. Suddenly I feel so tired to pretend that I am okey. Since when I tend to pretend my feelings, by the way? Plus, it's just Syam, he can understand.
"Nampak sangat air muka kau kecewa tadi.."
"Saya okey juga nanti, mungkin tu sisa kekecewaan saya yang dulu saja."

Dia cakap, dia respect dengan tindakan saya. Dia tahu, bila saya start saja buka mulut, I am surely about to be emotional there. He's about to tarik me from there if ever saya mula buka mulut. Dia cakap memang dia dah siap sedia. And it's such a relief for him that I don't say anything. Entahlah. Not sure. I am not sure whether I let my mouth closed because of I was too angry I can't even speak, or I was just don't know if I want to do anything about my anger.

I guess, I just DON'T CARE to do anything about my anger.

That was last week, by the way. OH PARAM! Macam-macam ada.

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  1. Param memang best. Macam-macam cerita.

  2. sa dah pernah cakap kot. fina mmg pandai menulis. ni baca, dah rasa macam baca cerpen dan novel :) i mean cara fina olah/tulis..bukan the story ya. ;P

  3. sedihnya ble ifa baca nie sis..erm..ifa phm jg la sis..marah tue tetap ada..kecewa itu tetap ada..n mmg bikin sakit hati jak kalu that guys sgt2 annoying n pretend mcm teda apa yg berlaku kan..

    until today..i still cant face my ex bf too..sbb tidak tau ow apa akan ifa buat..but i think.. i will keep silence like u sis..sbb kalu mulut nie bercakap..pasti keluar segalanya kan..erm..

    but..nvrmind sis..life must go on rite..enjoy ur life sis!