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Confession.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010 posted at 12:24 ♥

it's not like i don't wanna be here anymore. i love blogging. and avoiding something doesn't always mean that you hate it. it could also mean that you want it, but you just know it isn't right. it feels so wrong to blog when all i wanted to do is to cry. heh. i am strong enough today that i manage to write something tanpa terbawa-bawa dengan perasaan. silly me. i know this is silly. yang patheticnya, aku tak ada sesiapa nak bercakap tentang hal hati dan perasaan. saya nampak saja loud dalam blog. nampak saja rajin update status dekat facebook talking about feelings, tapi di luar, saya macam manusia tak ada perasaan sedih pun ada juga. ada orang kata, saya gelak macam tak ada masalah. dengan panahan mata sedas. it hurts. then am i supposed to cry nights and days macam orang tak berpedoman? my heart memang dari dulu lagi dah start bleeding and it never seems to stop. it's just, i don't show it in my real life. kalaulah orang tahu apa yang tersirat di hati nurani yang paling dalam..

plus, dengan segala luahan-luahan saya dalam blog, i think people already think that i am weak. it's not!

okey. i have one or two confession to make.

truth is,..

..i want to stop blogging. but rasanya saya dah banyak kali cakap begini tapi surprise-surprise i'd never stop, so let's laugh ha-ha-ha-ha-hahhh. okey confession yang ini adalah tak berapa serius. saja buat lawak yang tak berapa kelakar. janganlah tensen baca entri-entri saya. hihi.

first confession, i've made my decision about my love life. i.am.just.not.ready.for.him.yet. full.stop. i do feel bad. tapi saya tak mahu untuk terpaksa memilih antara dua. lebih baik saya tak pilih siapa-siapa. how am i supposed to be happy bila kita tau ada hati lain sedang terluka di atas bahagia kita? yes, it's been almost two fu**ing weeks my ex-boyfriend rayu-rayu nak kembali pada saya. kalau diikutkan hati ini, memang nak menangis juga (erk). saya tahu dia betul-betul menyesal atas segalanya, saya saja yang macam ni. it's not that i don't love him anymore, but, i believe i deserve more. this isn't the first time jadi macam ni. sorry, you had your chance and you blew it. i had lost my faith in you.

but shit it is. i wanted to text him, i want everything to be back to normal. to give us another chance. cuz despite it all, i know, deep down, he's a very good man. kalaulah saya ada dua hati dan dua life, saya berikan satu hati dan satu life saya untuk dia. it's just, dia selalu tak keep his words. he'll beg at you for anything, then bila dia dapat, he'll left. a good man he is - but when it comes to berjanji, he's always THE MAN.

mungkin sekarang ni dia sedang mengeluarkan air mata cuba terima hakikat yang saya dah tak ada dalam hidup dia. emm. weird. rasanya dah 6 bulan kami break. awal bulan 5 lagi. baru sekarang dia sedar ke? hehhh. GUYS.

or.. am i just being ego?

okey. no more chance. that's it. i still believe there's someone out there for me. i do love my ex, but after two years, i've finally come to this conclusion. i want .. no scratch that word 'want'. i NEED more than him. i NEED the one who plays any music instrument so he can play it to me when i feel like singing or screaming maybe LOL. who can dance with me in the rain. who think my jokes are funny and laugh at it. who thinks my sikap menggelabah adalah comel. all around, the one who i have my whole heart with. seseorang yang saya suka segalanya tentang dia. i don't mind if there's no love. orang kata, when we like everything about him - the way he talk, his skin, his style, the way he laugh - the LOVE will come from the inner you.

third confession, i might have someone in heart now. but, at the thought of .. takut dikecewakan, takut taken for granted, takut ditinggalkan,.. i would rather watching him silently from afar. such a coward, i know. kalau begini boleh mengurangkan rasa heartbreak, saya rela macam ni. saya dah tak larat nak tempuhi satu lagi kisah cinta yang tidak tahu hujung pangkal dia. why should i give my heart to a man yang belum sah jadi suami saya. dan akhirnya, apa yang tinggal untuk bakal suami saya hanya cebisan-cebisan hati yang dah banyak calar balar?

nope. i'll do whatever it takes in taking care of my own heart. and to take care of other's heart. fullstop.

fourth confession, saya nak berpuisi. HAHA. here me go. me jarang berpuisi okey. you are lucky today. anyway, this isn't mine. cuma, ini salah satu sajak yang saya hafal setiap bait perkataan sejak lama dulu. saya tak tahulah kenapa saya masih ingat sajak ni, saya rasa dah bertahun-tahun sajak ni tak terlintas dalam kepala otak. tiba-tiba teringat malam ini.. maybe cuz, it just fits my current situation.

ketika simfoni merah menerjah tiba
tibalah saat malam merampas senja
dan kerinduan mula merantai masa
lantas ku jejaki dirimu
mengejar bayang-bayang hitam milikmu
namun aku terkedu
hatimu bagai terkunci untukku
lalu ku cuba menggapai realiti
biarpun menjejak mimpi
yang melayar pergi...

okey jap nak ingat balikkkkk. oh ok -

...namun aku tak peduli
biarpun kesamaran yang ku perolehi
aku tabahkan hati
kerana kaulah kekasih hati.

wow. i'm good. bhahahh!

fifth confession, saya sebenarnya kurang gemar pada function read-more. read-more di blog orang lain itu saya faham. read-more di blog sendiri, saya tak gemar, jangan tanya kenapa, sebab saya pun tak sure kenapa HAHAHA. anyway, saya dah buang ke laut dah function tu. aku ni memang mudah bosan pada rutin dan kedudukan perabot (??). tiap bulan, ada saja benda nak ubah. kalau tak, menggelupur jadinya. blog ni pun tadi sikit lagi nak ubah template. hiks.

terakhir, perasan tak saya dah tak guna huruf besar di setiap awal perkataan selepas noktah? not even capslock I. ow it feels gewwwdd - tak tahu apa kaitan, tapi rasa macam ada kaitan - i feel like myself.

okey. rasa bersalah lagi sekali sebab menghidang entri yang panjang. but by the way, thanks for reading. it means a lot to me.


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7 Comments:

Blogger nur.sa said...

saya orang paling gembira bila entry fina tak ada lagi function read more tu. hoyeahhh. mcm mendengar suara hati sa.. haahaha... sebelum ni taknak ngomel sebab setiap org ada hak atas belog memasing. :P

03 November, 2010 12:53  
Blogger Fina Sophie said...

sa,
ha btul la :/ saya pun sebenarnya tak suka. yang lain semua sy suka, cuma read-more tu tak best sikit. eh tak best byk. hihi..

03 November, 2010 13:17  
Blogger Arief Arf said...

eh jangan la stop blogging.
bosan la.
X)

oh btw, 'read more' function memang tak best.
menyusahkan.

X)

04 November, 2010 22:35  
Blogger Fina Sophie said...

Arief Arf,
eleh eleh bosan ke. yaa.. i can tell, dari komen2 entri awak ramai dr para wanita. ehehe.

05 November, 2010 04:33  
Blogger Amni said...

"i NEED the one who plays any music instrument so he can play it to me when i feel like singing or screaming maybe LOL. who can dance with me in the rain. who think my jokes are funny and laugh at it. who thinks my sikap menggelabah adalah comel. all around, the one who i have my whole heart with. seseorang yang saya suka segalanya tentang dia"<<<<<<sangat suka baca part ni.. saya dah jumpa orang nya.. mungkin giliran kamu one day... ke dah jumpa?=) muda lagi kan dear... hehe.....

suka baca entri ni.. serius!! tak yah la nak berenti blogging erk??! luah je apa kamu rasa.. biarlah orang nak label kita weak ke apa ke.. bukan dorang tau kan? saya suka baca!

05 November, 2010 09:05  
Blogger shima said...

everytime, i mean like seriously EVERYTIME i read yours..u took me away too with th feelings that ure putting in it. and, it always be my favourite entry. gosh. and my dear, i start to cry *yg bercurah-curah* punye...starting from.."i NEED more than him." i always believe that what we felt are the same. tp fina lg pandai express di blog. sy dkt blog kurang, petah lg org. so, hati ni je la yg tahu..and Allah. :) fina fina fina...plsssss dont stop blogging (dh byk kali sy ckp kan hehe). disbbkan sy tak reti nk ekspress, so when i read yours, smhow sy akan rasa lega..n tenang. :) if "he" never failed make me smile..u never failed make me cried fina..hehe. nanges sbb pk ada jugak org yg rasa apa aku rasa. :') wahhh pjg pule comment sy, anyhow, just to say that JGN STOP BLOGGING. sy suka je apa yg kamu tulis! :) *heart u*

05 November, 2010 10:25  
Blogger *cimOt* said...

hai sophie..i like this feeling confession en3..i know how u feel..maybe i'm not breaking up yet..but,a few trial of broke up..maybe ada jodoh lg kottt..hahaha..so,i'm trying to be cool..hey nice to know u..

05 November, 2010 20:34  

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