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I need someone to hold me; even in silence.
Monday, September 14, 2009 posted at 16:45 ♥

I saw three missed calls. And a message :

Hi come on Fina.. Nape pula terus taknak kawan dengan I.. I treat you like a friend k..

Let's call him Mohd.

I've been trying to avoid him for some weeks over someone's request (i know ada yang tidak setuju dengan tindakan saya but move on dulu with the story, will we?)

I replied. Yes, this time, I replied him.

Me : Why degil? (cuz I've told him my reason weeks ago)

Mohd : Salah ape pula.. Dulu Fina couple gak and Mohd still boleh kawan dengan Fina. Why degil cuz I like to talk with you as a friend.

Me : Time tu dia tak kisah. Sekarang dia dah tak bagi..

Mohd : Huh. Tell him Mohd tahu yang Fina terlalu sayang kat dia. And takkan rampas dari dia. Pelik, still ada orang yang tetapkan siapa dia patut kawan.

Me : Are you angry at me??

Mohd : Tak marah.. tapi kecewa dulu Fina lebih pentingkan friendship even Fina still dengan dia. Tapi sekarang, hilang macam tu je. Are you really gonna forget me as your friend?

Me : I'll do whatever that is good for me.

Mohd : Okey thanks for the answer. Just believe me, life is a circle. Awak gak akan bertemu dengan orang yang pentingkan diri. Tak sangka jawapan tu dari awak.

Me : Why you have to blame me?

Mohd : Nope, saya tak kisah dengan sape awak nak. Tapi pelik, hilang macam tu je. Tapi percayalah, kalau awak nak orang baik dengan kita dan fikir tentang kita, betulkan diri kita dulu dan try fikir pasal orang lain juga. Jawapan awak tu agak selfish.

Me : I am selfish. Tak tahu ke? Beginilah. We can still be friends if that's what you want. No problem at all.

Mohd : I think I can't. Macam ni lah. Kalau awak buat semua ni sebab nak saya sakit hati, saya takde rasa apa pun. Tapi sebagai kawan, saya nasihat, perangai macam yang awak buat ni ramai orang tak suka. Kalau awak heboh satu dunia yang awak happy tapi diri awak sebenarnya tak, or awak buat benda yang awak rasa bagus tapi sejuta orang rasa tak bagus.. Hmm tak patut kot.

Me : Thanks. (for reminding me that actually, i am not happy)

Mohd : You're welcome.

Mohd : Hmm tapi bagi Mohd you still have the right to make friends with people.. Just opinion.

Me : Thanks.

Mohd : You know what, lagu yang Fina bagi tu ajar Mohd something about Fina. So don't worry Mohd faham. We are friends right?

Me : What song and learn what?

Mohd : After all this time, have you ever really loved a woman. Learn what, I think it's a secret for me. Fina yang suruh Mohd baca lirik tu so Mohd baca. Mohd rasa Fina faham.

We stopped at this point.
I am writing this, dalam keadaan macam tak ada perasaan. I don't know what am I feeling right now. I can't feel my heart.

To Mohd.
I know you do read my blog. Choosy, selfish whatsoever. You are not in my situation and saya tak minta awak untuk faham keadaan saya. Just stop all these craps cuz I HAVE some other things to be settled. I do mean I HAVE. I need to settle down dulu, baru fikir perkara-perkara macam ni. We are still friends, but for now, I am in my hard time that I don't feel like I have time to befriends with anybody except myself. Call me selfish.

I just don't want anybody to know what pain I have inside and how deep it is killing me now.

You just don't see tears running down my face right now. No body will see. Yes, I am not happy. I am sad. Not just today, but hari-hari sebelum ni pun my heart cries a lot. Tiap hari bangun pagi dalam keadaan jantung berdegup kencang thinking what will happen today and days after. Tiap hari I am thinking of running away. Tiap hari I break down. Puas hati?

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3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

not that way... you just not know how much he know u... i think he ok whatever ur decision but i think he also know that u a sad... (anda) selamat hari raya maaf zahir batin.

15 September, 2009 12:43  
Anonymous Fatt Chin Choy said...

oh...
nampaknya aku berbeza sikit dengan cara dia... hehehe

11 October, 2009 02:27  
Anonymous Fina said...

Fatt Chin Choy,
cara yang macamana tu??

11 October, 2009 03:35  

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