Tuesday, July 03, 2018

Grey sky

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum sahabat lama.

It's July 2018. So now I'm back to write something.

2006-2018. 12 years.
It's amazing that I still had not forget about you just yet. Saya sedar semakin lama semakin jarang saya berkunjung ke tempat ini. This blog. I miss the good old days, but now that I think about it, I think I am always that girl with a sad soul holding sad stories. What is 'good' to be missed then? My life since 2005 has never been easy. I struggle to survive through ups and down. All those while I tried my hardest to appear normal but deep down I always wonder why did I always go against what other people ask me to do.

Has my story has always been written this way?
A punishment?
I must have sin a lot.

My entire 20th was a nightmare that haunts.
WHY?
Because it all started few months before I reach 20, and ended also few months after I reach 30. It took 10 years to end the suffering, I wonder how many years more do I have to wait to fully recover this broken pieces?

I still don't have strength yet. But knowing myself, I think this is the only way for me to recover. I have to come clean, keep nothing hidden, being true to myself. I need to blog again. I think I need it. Maybe I should. What do you think.

*deep sigh*

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Monday, September 18, 2017

Doakan saya datang lagi XD

Assalamualaikum,
Macam nak menggeliat berbulan-bulan blog ni akhirnya baru bangun dari tidur.

When was my last post eh? Jap cek dulu. Ohh k 5th March 2017. Previous post on 17th October 2016 (2 posting), jauhnya beza gap sampai 7-8 bulan. Tu pun update ringkas. Dalam masa 11 bulan ; hampir setahun (17 Oktober 2016- 18 September 2017), cuma ada 3 entry tidak termasuk entri ini.  Kedatangan hari ini adalah macam biasa ; membawa segunung harapan, agar diri ini MAHU menulis kerap kembali. Sekurang-kurangnya 3-4 pos seminggu tapi harapan hanyalah harapan. Kita cuma merancang, kerajinan jua yang menentukan ihiks.

Oklah sebenarnya buka blog dengan niat nak tutup blog.

Ceh gurau ok gurau T____T Sebenarnya niat, mau tengok mana-mana yang perlu update/tukar 'perabot'. Tukar profile picture, tukar banner, dan apa-apa yang perlu ditukar di sidebars etc dan paling utama adalah, ingin menukar nama glemer FINA SOPHIE ke nama timangan sebenar NANA ASLI.

NANA
is my nama timangan di kalangan keluarga dan rakan-rakan (ramai yang panggil Fina juga)
ASLI
is my ayah's nama timangan (Mohd Aslie)

Yes, Fina Sophie got to go. Welcome Nana Asli ;) Remember what I promised to you? That one fine day, I will tell everything exactly what happen. Soon, I will. Sikit lagi :)

Til then.
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Sunday, March 05, 2017

Just to say hi!

2016 November, Kanchanaburi Thailand

Hello Assalamualaikum old friends, long time no see! Semua orang apa khabar? Before that, gambar atas ni I guess our 4th sister's trip me and Dana pada Nov 2016. Gambar ni gambar testing-testing. Malas cari proper pic sebab last balik dari Thailand hari tu gambar-gambar ini semua terperam macam jeruk. Sampai ke hari ni tidak terjenguk-jenguk apatah lagi nak edit, pilih gambar, upload bagai. Sangat-sangat malas. Penyakit malas dah bertahun-tahun menyerang ni, entah bila sembuh. Sangat-sangat malas update blog dah sekarang but every once in a while I show up jugaklah. Hiks!

Saw (read: read) my previous posts.. I was so misery back then. Sekarang pun agaklah, but I am happier now compared to before. I am now free from all those bullshits, I am glad I finally have guts to fight for myself.

22 Februari 2017. Tarikh pengakhiran segalanya. Tapi saya akan cari masa lain untuk cerita apa sebenarnya yang telah berlaku. Macam yang saya pernah cakap, selalu cakap, sebelum ni. Satu hari nanti saya akan cerita. Satu hari nanti. And finally, masa tu hampir tiba. I need to cerita here, for myself. Untuk look back nanti what I've been through. 

I actually stop by just to say hi. Rindu blog. But I really need to go. I'll come back again soon. :)

Take care everyone!
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Monday, October 17, 2016

17/10/2016 (02)


Here to calm myself. Payah kalau jenis memendam ni. Bukan sebab orang tidak faham, tapi sendiri yang rasa orang tak perlu faham. Why do I have to feel like this.
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17th October 2016

My blog header, my profile pictures.. Need to change. Profile picture sebelah ni dari, 2 years ago I think. Haha. Lamanya nda tukar langsung. I still remember I have a blog. Selalu nak update tapi nantilah nantilah sampai berbulan-bulan hampir makan tahun agaknya jika hari ni tidak spontan terbukak blog. Haha. Ni pun sekejap saja, sebab sekejap lagi kena bersiap got dinner date with the family tonight. At our usual place :)




I am now busy with KTrips and Tari Kirana. Latihan tiap malam, berhuha tiap malam. Layan whatsapp tiap hari - 24/7 everyday. Somehow the emptiness terisi juga sedikit. Balik pada blog yang satu ini, bagai kembali pada seorang sahabat lama. Terasa nak cerita semua sepanjang beberapa bulan ini. Terasa mahu menangis. Ketawa. Menjerit. Dan bercerita tentang segala suka dan duka. Yang lucu, yang meruntun hati. Masam dan manis. Wahai sahabat lama, adakah kau sedang mendengar?




I think I am doing pretty good now. My daily life so occupied. No more termenung (okey maybe sometimes), no more weeping for no reason. Ada pun, kerana perasaan lega. Bercampur sedikit dengan kesedihan, tapi lega itu yang paling banyak. My anxiety sudah jarang datang. But trauma is still there. Trauma payah sikit hilang, but as one of my friend cakap,..

"..this too shall pass."

I remember those day. Those days has passed. And yes. This too, the saki baki sedu sedan and the trauma, shall pass. One day, I'll look back taking one last look, move on and never look back ever again.

I am just a normal human being. Sometimes I'll find somebody to blame. I will try to blame. Myself atau orang lain. So, entah. I am no malaikat, but I'll eventually learn to forgive I guess.

Bye for now.
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Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Oh nothing. Just me.


Nana.
Ya Allah Nana. Stop telling yourself you're the only one who should be responsible for all these mess. Stop telling yourself it was all your fault.

Kau dah okey dah dulu sebenarnya Nana. You got through it all long ago. You did it! But it's just recently it all coming back to you now. Suddenly something came to you and made you remember the scars. Parut yang telah terluka kembali.

Ingat Allah, Nana. He loves you that is why HE sent you dugaan like this. I know when you are sad you don't really have anywhere to go. You shutdown yourself, you cry on your bed, cuddling your Dom yang understanding saja sebab when you start hugging him sambil cry dia duduk diam tak pernah nak lepaskan dari pelukan. Crying even when you're eating. Reading Quran to sooth yourself. When in doubt you turn random page of Quran to find answers. Yet you still cry. You still have burden inside you.

That is sick. You know that?

And next time you are too sad, instead of crying over things you cannot change, please turn again to anything you like as your last try. Your passion. Your business. Music. Singing. Dance. Travel. You're doing it now, but do it more. Do it until you forget! It's about you now. No one else. So think about yourself more than anyone because you're all you have! Please.

Sebab, sampai bila? Tell me. You have you secret no one knows. You hold your burden from many years ago until now. But it's your choice that it still can hurt you like this.

Do more. Try more. Get up!
Please.
:(

Bali, 20 April 2016.
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A stranger in me.

Reading random old posts from 2009 from my blog www.sophiesm.com, wow I lost too many people in my life. I lost many things. I forgot everything about me. Who I am, what I like. What makes me truly happy, what I loath most. How I see life. How I see myself. I feel like these 3 years back I had my mind completely shutdown. Blanked.

No one will ever imagine what I've gone through. Banyak orang share dan viral tragedi yang terjadi pada orang lain dekat Facebook. This and that, here and there. They will never expect that had happen to me too.

Guess why would I tell you my mind blanked over these few years? Sometimes I think, was it me? Was it actually, really because of me?

Damaged.
I am damaged.
Damn damaged.

Well I don't have much choice. Broken I am. Messy I am. Lost I am. I feel a stranger in my own body? Yes, but. What the hell. I gotta love the stranger in me. Because if I don't, who will?


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